burntvideocassette

[Sent around midnight, without preamble:]

Never ask me anything like that again.

[Feeling a bullet rip through his spine, being taken apart again, gives a guy a sense of perspective.]

[Once Jay had taken a few hours to feel sorry for himself, he started to think about what might be going on with the others...and how much of a part he'd played in making "the worst thing that's ever happened to you" even worse.]

[He knew he'd crossed a line with Tim, even though it hadn't properly registered at the time. (Had it? Things get fuzzy after Tim bolted.) It was another interrogation. Sure, no threats this time, no blood, but he hadn't needed them. Tim could either tell the truth or run.]

[Three interrogations since he'd shown up here. Three failures. This wasn't working.]

[He knew he had to apologize, but he wasn't sure how to do it without making it worse, and now he'd waited too long, and fuck. Fuck.]

[Okay, he has to respond now, or Tim'll probably show up at his door.]

That was messed up.
I know.

I should have kept my mouth shut when I realized what was going on.

[He pauses.]

And so should you.

If I had my way I'd always keep my mouth shut, Jay. You just don't seem to want to give me that option.

[Precise, immediate, and grammatically impeccable. Guess they're both talking in the most coldly professional way they can. As if that would be enough to deconstruct the way they'd verbally gone for each other's throats, all but clawed out each other's guts across the floor of an improvised movie theater with an audience to boot.]

[So this is how it's going to be. Full caps. Full punctuation. Like they're pretending this is professional. Like they've still got an audience.]

It'd be a lot easier to trust your judgment if I knew you wouldn't hide things that could get people killed.

I'm not hiding things that will get people killed.
I'm doing the same thing I've literally always had to do.

And that's make sure you don't get your fucking hands on something that will get you killed and then get everyone else killed.
Again.

You understand

[This is Tim Wright when he is not even in the remote vicinity of fucking around, Jay.]

I understand.

The thing I don't understand is this: How do you know for sure?

I'm not stupid. I'm not going to do something that gets me killed if I know WHY it's going to get me killed. I wouldn't have offered to meet Alex in Rosswood all those times if I knew he had a gun,ad I wouldn't have dragged Jessica into all this if i knew Alex would've tried to kill her.

YOU understand? If I only get half the story, then the chances I'll do stupid shit is HIGHER.

[He catches himself before sending the message and adds this to the end.]

Look
If you honest to god believe knowing this stuff will get me and other people killed
And that even knowing WHY will get me and other people killed
And that you're not putting yourself and me and other people in more danger by not telling
And that there is NO benefit to anybody but you knowing

Then alright

Fine

But I have to know youll tell me if you learn stuff that I SHOULD know

[And before he can check his grammar or lose his nerve, he hits "Send".]

And who decides what you "should" know, Jay?
Should you have known my entire fucking medical history? was that something you needed to know? was that something the whole world needed to see? did you need to know what it looks like when someone has a seizure on their own bedroom floor?

Because this is what keeps happening with you.
You learn something and then you go dragging your fucking camera over to make sure it's true.
And then you end up broadcasting everything to the entire world
or recording it on something that could be stolen and posted

You get it now?
i have to run damage control for you every time
every fucking time

Because the second you find something else out it starts all the hell over again

See I'm asking the same thing
Who decides what I "should" know, Tim?

And look, I wasn't the one who uploaded that footage of you seizing. My account got hacked. Someone ELSE wanted me to see it, and if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to find you. And if they hadn't left me your records, I wouldn't have known what was happening to you. And I wouldn't have been able to at least TRY to help.

And maybe I shouldn't have posted your records publicly.

Yknow what let's just say it

I shouldn't have posted your records publicly

I should have found another way to keep the information safe

Because I wasn't just posting this stuff online for FUN, Tim. It was the only way I could keep a record, even if we forget it even happened. If I hadn't been given the code for that safe in the hotel room, I would have COMPLETELY forgotten Alex was dangerous. He could've killed me or you or anybody, and nobody would've stopped him, because nobody would've remembered.

This stuff isn't SIMPLE, Tim.

sure didn't seem to mind leaving it up there though did you
even re-uploaded it and everything

[He hasn't forgotten. Don't think for a second he hasn't forgotten.]

that's not what things are like here
you're not constantly up against this shit anymore and you're not up against it alone
it's hard to feel like we're in any of this together when i feel like you're about to turn on me the second you think i'm hiding something from you
the second you THINK i'm out of line

[Jay has to re-read the last part a few times. Is that...it's an accusation, but it's also something else.]

[That's not what things are like here. Alex isn't here. Jay's gone nearly six months without any significant memory loss. They don't have to keep moving. He can keep a server, and he can keep notebooks, and they stay where he put them.]

[He needs a new approach.]

alright
i have an idea
if it's a bad idea it's a bad idea but hear me out

when something like this happens again
where people have to tell the truth
new rule
i can't ask you questions
and i can already see like twelve loopholes so let's simplify it
no fucking interrogations
i can't ask you questions under duress

[And wow, wording it like this really makes him feel like a piece of shit. Maybe it's because he's a piece of shit.]

but on the other side
if you learn something
that's NOT dangerous for me to know
(and i'm talking about ME. not the viewers or anybody else.)
and i would benefit from knowing it
tell me

and that includes when you see me drawing stupid conclusions that you know aren't true

thoughts?

i had no idea you thought i was dead
i thought you just meant like
we were doomed
which we are

i'm still not really sure what knowing that i'm NOT dead at home does for you but

fine
if you think this will work
fine

[Is there any guarantee here? He's a liar, Jay's an unreliable narrator - he's already predicting that neither of them will hold to this tenuous agreement, whatever it is.]

[Holy shit, he agreed. This is an agreement. Which means absolutely nothing, but maybe it might mean something if they stick to it.]

[Tim's a liar, and Jay's just given up a major advantage.]

[But maybe it'll work out. Or it'll at least help until things go to shit again. Or maybe it won't do anything, but at least he tried.]

alright so
new rules or whatever are now in place

[He deliberates for a little while before adding:]

thanks

and i guess it's that somebody made it out
i mean about the "not dead" thing

yeah well
i wish i hadn't

[It's not even a fucking event at this point. He doesn't have to say it. But if they're being honest here, and he's trying, at least to start with, because this conversation has already gone infinitely better than he expected it to, as all conversations starting with Jay apologizing tend to - ]

[If they're being honest, he might as well say it.]

it should have been you

[That is...a lot to take in. A lot to process.]

yeah well
it wasn't

and you were able to stop alex
couldn't have done that if you were dead

[And to be honest, Jay doesn't think he would have been able to do it himself.]

that's what he told me you know
the last thing he ever said

If there's someone left, you have to kill them. And then yourself.

[Well, fuck.]

[Yeah, that would go along with Alex's "infection" theory. Quarantine. Keep it from spreading. Kill them and then yourself.]

[No wonder he gets along so well with the Masons.]

i guess that was his plan
get rid of all of us and then

[It's hard imagining Alex turning the gun on himself. It's hard imagining Tim turning the gun on himself.]

yeah

[He was...right. Wasn't he? He had to have been. What other option is there?]

i guess he always just thought he was doing the right thing

yeah

[It's always tough to talk about Alex. He sees the parallels there, the way their choices line up against each other, and he wants to close his eyes.]

but you're still alive
and i'm
whatever i am
and we're here
whatever that counts for

you're alive
just not the way you used to be

i guess i'm sorry about that too
not sure i ever told you that

[Alive, just not the way he used to be.]

[Undead until this place sees fit to send him back.]

[He doesn't want to think about it. He's not thinking about it. Not right now.]

[Right now, they're having some weird heart-to-heart, so he might as well just keep it going. Funny how things go easier when you're telling the truth by choice.]

wasn't your fault
i went looking for alex
that's on me
and i guess i'm sorry for running off into the woods by myself like a jackass
and for the knife
and that stuff

[He feels like he's got to qualify that last bit. They're probably never gonna mention this again, so he goes for it.]

feels weird apologizing for the knife
i remember it happening and i remember being really pissed off but i don't remember why it made sense to me back then
not sure it ever made sense

i think it makes sense in the moment for everyone
it made sense for alex to do what he did

he was just being used the way the rest of us were

i guess
don't take it too hard

[You're just as fallible as the rest of them, Jay.]

[He wants to say he wasn't being used, but that's pretty tough to argue after all the stuff the event dragged out of him.]

[Tim says not to take it too hard. Easy for him to say.]

[Jay's just exhausted.]

i guess

[It's a while before he finishes the message.]

thanks

for what

[What has he done except...making a fucking nuisance of himself and dig up old wounds?]

i dunno
sticking around i guess
agreeing to the agreement thing

(no subject)

postictal - 2017-11-12 20:39 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

burntvideocassette - 2017-11-12 20:58 (UTC) - Expand

IC Inbox

text on like 11/05

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

[jay voice] anD ANOTHER THING

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

cw suicide ideation

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)